You have no idea how hard it has been for me.
No one does.
Not even close.
I don't want to be judged.
But it seems as though I'm already in the process
of losing faith and trust from people i hold dearest.
And because of this,
I love and hate you so, so much...

You try to make me jealous.
Honestly, its working.
And i hate it
I simply do.

Hello. I've been posting more on fishinorbit.tumblr.com =) Kinda lazy to use blogger alr =/

Happy 400th Day =D

Oh and i got my license =)

Your friends are calling me when i'm asleep.
You don't reply my messages.
You never let me know when you're home safely
This is why i hate it when you go drinking.
Tell me how the hell am i supposed to concentrate on my TP later.

I've never been this afraid in quite awhile.
My throat is dry, i feel like running away.
I just found out from my brother that they are asleep.
But the last thing he heard from dad was "what the fuck".
He's furious.

So far, i've spent my life trying to figure out the meaning of existence.
I think that when i'm nearing my end, i would realize that this is it, nothing more.
Maybe figuring out the meaning of life, is life.

one more day till our first year together.
Ecstasy

Its been a long time since i've blogged because my notebook's motherboard was burnt and LCD screen crack. So i'm here now sitting with my new Macbook =)
But in this mess i've lost approximately 3 - 4 thousand songs.
I'm not in a really good mood right now? but last night at Serene's place was fun. Rico and I took turns to drive around Thomson. Damn fun. Photos are on fb.

Sometimes i don't believe you.

The weekend went by quickly...
I'm trying my best to print notes for school but something is wrong with the links in Mel. I can't seem to load last week's tutorials and lectures notes for a certain module. Also something is wrong with my printer or PowerPoint. Every time i try to print something, PowerPoint jams. Lastly, i have problems turning my notebook on. After i pressed the power button, the screen remains black. Sometimes it emits beeping noises. I would need a hell of a number of tries to power it up.
Why is it when i want to study, i can't (Because of printer la mother mother). And when i don't want to, i can.

Monday was the first day of school.
Monday was also Vannessa's and my a month before our first year together.
Tuesday Vannessa and I went to JCC for a game of tennis! Well actually we were picking up the balls more than we should.
Time passes quickly and we're all in year 2. Familiar faces come around now and then and it feels nice talking to people i haven't seen over the holidays. My parents are going to Perth tmr i think. I wanna blog more but i'm really tired and i think i should sleep.
Tennis with ex classmates was fun hahaha.
Oh btw, who is retaking Micro huh, sit tgt in lecture pls.

I passed my Final Theory =)
Practical in August. I really want my damned license.

The car i really wish to drive, more than a Porsche, more than a Ferrari, okay maybe as much as the Ferrari, would be a 1969 Ford Mustang Shelby.



I waited 3 hours for Vannessa yesterday. Suicide.
Do you know that feeling... like when you're waiting for something or someone. But inbetween in that time span, you don't know what to do. You end up walking around aimlessly at a loss.
So i ended up at kinokuniya, walked around.
I ended up looking at books on Obama. There was this picture on the back of TIMES showing his feet up on the table. It focused on the soles of his leather shoes, they were very much worn out. Really interesting picture of the President.
Below that magazine was another one of his books, titled " The Audacity of Hope". Nice name.
The wait was long but it was worth every minute.

Today's bus ride home was the longest in quite awhile.
I've never felt so afraid in a very, very long time.
I've always known what would/could happen in the future.
I've always had a plan for everything, well almost.
But for the past 13 hours, i really couldn't find a solution or suitable outcome.
I can't tell whats going to happen and how this complication would turn out.
And that's the part that really gets me.
I'm sure you feel the same way.
I miss you already.
please call me...

Anyway i wanted this to be a nice post... honestly.
Below was my intended, initial post.

Photography sessions uno.
(Am learning/trying out my telephoto lens)
















And lastly, the face i miss the most right now.
Well, a quarter of it anyway.

One of my favourite PhotoBlogs of all time.

Julien Roumagnac

It even give you the specs on how it was taken. One word, Awesome.

If anyone read the papers today, they wouldn't have missed this.

"North Korea will attack Japan's targets if they choose to intercept it's missile."

Something along those lines. You see, what is happening is that North Korea said that it was going to launch a communication satellite between the 4th to 8th of April and that it would "fly over" Japan. The thing is, Washington thinks that it may be a disguise to test a long-range ballistic missile. Which would mean that Japan may be in quite a deep pile of shit.
Naturally, Japan's appropriate reaction would be to prepare in case they get attacked; so they set up counter measures and such.
Funny that even after much moral suasion from Japan, NKorea still wants to continue it's launch. The thing that i really want to point out here is this, North Korea will take it as an act of war if their launch was intercepted (thus the title). If there is a war, the whole world would be drawn into it.
I'm entering NS in 2 years -.-

But my brother said Japan would be okay, because they can cycle through Malaysia again =)

I don't know when it was suggested and by whom, but cycling to west coast is not really the best idea in the world. You see, we were so damn bored because we've practically done everything entertaining in Singapore.
Chengyong looked like a China worker, the hair and the bike with a basket in front hahaha.
Joel had a monstrous bike which had to much power.
My bike had 2 tires that weren't inflatable.
We rushed to West Coast as Serena was waiting for us there, we took the Jurong Town Hall Road/ West Coast highway route. Incredibly lengthy, we took about an hour to get there and by the time we did, i was shit tired. Had nice talk by the sea and on the way back at Clementi Bus interchange, my tire gave way... it was making a crazy irritating sound due to thick rubbing turning on cement.
No really, i suspect that the tubing in the back wheel somehow imploded because of all the stress it had taken in this past few years. And because I'm heavy..
So i was stubbornly riding back with the 2 guys watching my back in case my bike really really died. It was damn difficult to move, felt like the back tire was just a metal wheel. I couldn't take it after awhile and decided to walk, singing to the song's on Cy's phone. It was really nice. After Joel's place, i tired to cycle again. That was when my gear gave way... I really think i need a new bike... The walk home was long but somehow refreshing.
Joel dared to suggest Vivo as our next destination. Why don't you just die boy.
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I know you say that i'm usually the one who doesn't understand or the one who doesn't know how to comfort you. But do you know that when i feel sad sometimes, you aren't so different. I try not to trouble you with anything, so that you can stay happy and cheerful for the rest of the day. Even when i feel down, i try to make you feel better, happier. I try, i try but its never enough.
I'm sick, headache, got items stolen, i couldn't breathe properly during football because my airway was jammed. On my way home it rained heavily on me.
Do you know how a day like this makes a person feel?
Somehow it always turns out to be about you, even though i'm in need of comforting.
Every time i get mad, i always end up feeling worse about making you feel sad.
Do i not make you feel appreciated?
Because i really want to know whether its just me.
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Anyway I'm hitting the gym with the guys tomorrow and going for a swim after. I need to get a little stamina back.
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I forgot to mention my results were okay! =) i had an AD and i passed everything else, though barely. 2 B, 1 C and 2 D+. Not that bad for me la ahahaha im happy.

Okay Bintan was nice! I would totally go there with Vans or friends for some water sports and beach fun =) There's archery and such, oh the food at the resort was good too; everything has standard.
Today we rented Twilight. It was really good, i close description to the book i think but i only read less than a quarter because it really isn't that fantastic. I was so worried Vannessa would fall in love with Edward because so far i heard every girl has. There was a phrase on fmylife.com that stated the following,
"Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML"
Yeah she couldn't escape him, OH EDWARD IS SO HOT, OH EDWARD, EDWARD IS SO CHARMING. His bloody smile can win over my relationship in a snap.
Nvm i'll win her back, i'll go for plastic surgery.
Driving tomorrow, yay =)

A quick one.
Happy 10th month anniversary love =)
I never knew we'd be this perfect for each other, korny as it sounds, i mean it.
I'm going to bintan later for 2 days. Leaving in the morning, which is now actually, 7am.
Results are tomorrow, 9am, i don't know if i would be able to receive it them.
This will make or break.
Shit i'm anxious =/
emotions are running on edge.

So its been quite awhile since i've blogged, 10 days actually. Kinda busy here and there with my driving lessons and all. Its terrible traveling to Eunos everytime. And its incredibly tiresome to drive 2 hours straight without a break. By the end of my lessons i'd always have a headache and feel sick. Simply because i don't eat and drink; late. On a lighter note, i've been doing better. I roughly know how to handle the clutch and gear properly now. So i'm quite satisfied.
Will continue blogging tonight. Busy now.

Guess who just had his Provisional Driver's license done =D
I little more till the real thing. I just can't wait.
Vans and I are going to the Science center tomorrow! again.. we just went today, like a little walk around outside, and sat on this Morphis ride in the Omni-theater which cost 4 bucks per person and it lasted 4, 5 minutes. Cheap thrills. So we have decided to go back to science center to have a walk inside and then go over to the theater again to watch this Sea Monsters thing. They have MASSIVE creatures since 82 Million years ago. Quite interesting.

Vannessa's fever reached 39.7 degrees by the time we reached the doctor yesterday.
Hugging her was like being in a sauna
and I've never had a hotter kiss in my life. ha
I was taking care of her like there was no tomorrow, patting her forehead with ice cold towels, bringing her food i bought from the market while she stayed home, putting her to sleep, helping her take her meds. Hope she feels better.
And hope i get treated the same way today because i can feel her virus spreading. Its starting with my throat.

The holidays have begun =)
I'll be waking up to orange sunsets and living once they're down.
Did i mention i passed my BTT in 10 minutes =DD
Went to PLAY Thursday night. I'm still suffering from the lack of sleep. I have football tomorrow morning. I'm sick =/

After blogging last night, i ended up at Vannessa's place to study. I suddenly felt uneasy, like, the fear kicking in. I kenna questioned by her security guard like one criminal just because she didnt want to come down or let me call her place to unlock the door. In fact, she was already sleeping by the time i got there. I had so much trouble in the early morning. But it was worth studying with her through the night. My second in 3 days without sleep. We hopped to KAP in the morning where she had this sudden burst of energy. Jumping around, smiling so much.
Thank you for pushing me to study. I doubt i would if you didn't
Random fact: 4 red bulls cost $7.80 from the 7-eleven here
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Serena came by to meet me at macs after Vannessa started her paper. Haziq was there too, and his friend. Wah we really study like i nv study before, besides stats la.
Thanks na! For helping so much, staying up with me through the night too. Teaching me subjects you aren't even taking =) best friend ah! This Thursday! hehehehe
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So the paper went well actually, i hope. If i all goes well i should get about a B.
Ended with a splitting headache and a loss for all sense of my surrounding. So i cabbed home, no choice. Went up, showered, popped a few asprins and knocked out.
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I felt a soft hand on my arm. warm breath on my back, familiar smell. I knew who it was, i held the hand and turned. I was so happy. Couldn't see the emotion through the sleepiness though.
She came close to 10pm from the east, expensive cab fare. Just so that she can make sure i'm okay. The thing is... she didn't sleep either...
You make me feel so taken care of.
I love you so much.
You have no idea how it feels to know you care.
Thank you =)
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Today's paper, utmost importance. Failure will result in my dismissal from school.
Ahh... what a fine day...

I spent half of yesterday studying around Vannessa and Ruiyi while they edited their work.
Went to catch Slumdog Millionaire but it was pretty packed. So we ended up watch the pink panther 2. A little comical here and there, a feel good movie but nothing special.
After the movie we went home where i prepared to leave the house to study. So i picked Serena from her place to kap to do some hardcore last minute memory work.
I had a total of 3 cans of red bull and 2 iced lattes in order to stay awake. But still i was falling asleep during the paper, blanking out. This is what happens when you don't start studying earlier. I never learn my lesson.
Thanks Serena for teaching me Stats. I don't really know if i can pass, but if i do its probably thanks to you. Which means i won't have to stay back for 6 more months. Which would also be thanks to you. So thank you! =)
Okay I'm shit tired I'm going to slug on the floor.

Today....

Today....

Today.

TODAY I FOUND OUT I SPENT A WHOLESOME MAGNIFICENT SPECTACULIAR SUM OF $500

AT VIDEO EZY...

$500...

$500...

$500...

Why like that...

Thats not it, it seems that their most patriotic customer has spent $6000 in total. I mean, wahlao... how can......

I guess it's a lot like saving. Shit who am i kidding?

Okay anyway my exams are starting on Saturday. Business stats, if i fail, i will retain for 6 more months. And if i fail macro, i will get expelled. Talk about pressure huh.

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Happy 9th =)

I'm sorry all the studying has been clogging up our days. But know that i love you very very much!

"I'm losing my sense of urgency. It seems that as I get closer
to the final day, i'm losing my sense of urgency. What now?"

I hope you dance.

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Woke up a little later than expected...

Uneasiness in my stomach, her first valentine's and i've got nothing.

Only the little surprise i had for her in the morning. So i took my time and got ready, no need to rush, i'd just forget stuff.

Picked up flowers and went over to her place.

Up the elevator, familiar dog barking everytime i step out the door.

Placed the enormous brown package around the stairs, inside containing a CD, photo frame with us in it.

Dashed some dried scented flower petals for fun.

I left her a message asking her to come over to the stairs while i rushed away like a kid to the floor below. "So stupid", i was thinking to myself.

Went down to our tree to wait, wait for her to open up the package, to find the CD; a photo montage (Which i put in a lot of effort in creating), that'll instruct her to come down to where i was.

On the way to the tree, i left flowers along the path, hung between railings, along the floor where i was standing. Its her first, i had to make an impression.

Waiting, 2 minutes, 5, 10. I messaged her, 'sms me when you're coming down'. Another message ' Got it?', for the package. Finally a reply, "Sorry my phone was in my room, i just got your package." WAH LAO I WAIT SO BLOODY LONG ALR YOU STILL #%*&@# nvm... so i continued stoning.

I was sitting underneath the burning sun when an Indian uncle came along, the leaf sweeper i suppose. Came over, looked at me all dressed up, looked at the flowers scattered all over the floor, gave me the "what the hell is this" face, -.- AHAHA I SWEAR BLOODY COMICAL, to me anyway, amidst the anticipation, it was something to smile at. I pointed up to her place, "waiting for my girlfriend." He smiled, and walked away, apologising.

I wondered if she'll think im stupid. I sat awhile longer, "coming now", finally, i stood up, tucked in my shirt, adjusted my collar, no mirror, shit. Didn't matter, i saw a head pop out afar, from the side, I smiled. She tread down the stairs, picking up the roses i placed so meticulously, walked slowly towards me. Teary eyed, hands over her mouth. I thought "Am i that unattractive? Oh well...".

She hugged me, i took the white rose out from behind my back, placed it in between us.

I choked.

choked...

choked...

muttered...

Will you be my Valentines?"

"...Yes..."

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That was the hardest part of all, it doesn't seem like much but it felt like a lot of work to me. I guess it's because i don't usually go the extra mile for Vday.

So, since i didn't have a plan, we had to make things up as we go along, i tried to look like i knew what we were going to do next. I felt like such a big loser. So we booked a table in Brazil down at sixth avenue and i brought her to this secret place of mine, where you get the best view of Singapore.

This was my favourite part.

It's quite hard to get to, we walked all the way from raffles city, made her hike in her heels. Am very sorry love.. i hope the view was worth it. Stayed there for awhile, it wasn't sunny, kinda hazy, it added a little soft feel to the whole thing.

This was the view.

Flyer was right behind us.

I had a lot of fun up there.

Stayed up there for quite awhile, proceeded to Brazil after that, ATE LIKE A MONSTER! I've always loved Brazil. Always... i've been going there since i was Primary 5. At one point almost weekly. Food is really good, even after all this time i'm still not bored of it.

After dinner we were both rather tired, the long walk and all killed my legs. So i sent her back instead of carrying out my fireworks, bomb bags and party poppers plan.

Oh well, i really wanted to play with the fireworks, i bought 6 packs =/

But its okay... i hope she enjoyed Valentine's day.

Anyway, that was it! It really wasn't much, i'm not like some rich kid who can bring her to an island of his own, fill her house magically with a thousand roses, booked the entire esplanade rooftop for the evening or even just placing her on a yatch. I know i'm not the best around but i try... I really hope i made your first Valentines a little something more than expected, maybe even close to special.

I love you.

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HERE ARE SOME RANDOM PHOTOS.

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Alright its a super long post i will stop now goodbye!

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For a better version of this post and our vday, go to pickmeadaisy.blogspot.com.

She just writes better...