not just a coward ah, more like douchebag

I think i'm a coward

There's a fire starting in my heart

Reaching a fever pitch thats bringing me out the dark

Bloody bad thoughts ah, better knock it out of your head. Its never gonna happen.

Anyway diving was fun.

Just had a reaccuring thought that one can nv be content, ppl always yearn for something more.

Extraordinary > Ordinary

Live life to its fullest, sadly i can't say i'm doing that.

I wonder whether i'm happy, kinda forgot how it felt like.

Sometimes i wonder why i gave a damn in the first place... You bother about whats happening with your friends and how they are feeling, only to realise they are lying to you in the first place. Waste of both my time and feelings. Sods.

P.S i thought my blog was private but i just realised its not. I know you're out there ZHIXIAN!!!! knn better keep this a secret hor, even infront of our group pls, if you dont mind ;)

Hello there, I have officially turned 20 years old. The big 2!

Its been a long while since i wrote anything worth reading or taking into consideration.

However, i feel that there is no other way to say what i really want to and thus, blogging would be my only solace for now. I'm entering the army and finishing up with school, leaving behind many fond memories with beautiful people. Though, life has a way of telling you straight in the face, that things are not what it seems. Things get complicated, they get messy, fragile, unsolvable, destructive. People get angry, depressed, compulsive. They break down, they hate, they become nonchalant. The entire world seems to think that the rest of world owes them. Quoting a phrase one of my friends twittered, "If they do not bother, why should I". This to me, is incredibly screwed up. Imagine if the entire world thinks that way. No one would bother and put in an effort for one another. We picture a gorgeous community with lots of love and giving. However, how are we supposed to achieve that if we can't even learn to forgive and seriously forget about that past. The hardest part of ending is starting again, yes, but it can be done, with effort no doubt. Is it that difficult to remember the good times? My best friends have been there for me since the start, and are still here. It takes effort, we forgive and quickly start enjoying ourselves again. I detest complications and conflict among friends. It's just too... tiring...

So much for my 20th huh, all i wanted was just for everyone to get along together, that was my wish, when i cut the cake.

When you love someone, can you bear to leave them?

Dear J,

I miss you, these are the words that first come to mind when I hear your name. You have absolutely no idea how much. It is heart-wrenching, it kills me. All I picture when I lie in bed is you, all I think about is you. Its eating me up from inside and it is depressing. Whenever I see you in school, I'm reminded off what is and what it used to be. Things could have been so much different. Things could have been so much better for the both of us. I really wish, with all of my heart, that things could be the way it used to. Sleeping over, driving to school together in the morning, singing in the car, playing with the dogs. The illustrations that run through my head are of hope. Of us cuddling under the sheets, mouthing of about the world, and how things are gonna be. Talking about everything under the stars and what life is about. I honestly saw a future, a happy one. I was happy, believe me.

However, you seem adamant on leaving this, us behind. I've never really been of the emotional sorts in front of you because it's something that you don't like to see. Something that you have never really appreciated. You've always preferred me being straight forward and you hated it when I beat around the bush. After a year, I can safely say that I know almost everything about you. And whenever I do something that we used to enjoy doing together, I'm reminded once again that I do not possess the luxury of asking you out for a swim, a movie, tennis, dinner or spending time with you after class. I'm reminded once again that I do not have you...

I do not think that I am weak. I just don't understand how you can go from loving someone with all your heart, to becoming nothing. I always thought we were special, you were my best friend, you were my everything. And now that you're gone, everything just... went along with...
I never wanted things to end up this way. I never fathomed you leaving. It never crossed my mind. And now, that it's happened, I'm at a loss for what to do. It's like I've been thrown into the middle of a crossroad and I have completely no idea which direction to walk towards.

I really miss you J...
K